watashi wa kaikigesshoku....

I am a total lunar eclipse, a rare blood red moon, embodiment of Tsukiyomi.

With this name comes responsibility, some great, others not so great but felt such the same. Friend, brother, partner... but never lover.

Its true I am married beyond the realms of SL, a fact that we wanted to hide so we had freedom. But as in RL I am quiet, too shy and often hold people away from me at arms length. Its a curse none the less. I married my wife not because I fell head over heels for her, I married her because I could have a decent intellectual conversation with her.

Someone can reach out and slap me now.

It took me years to truly trust her inexplicably. I had for the longest time a rather large life insurance policy. I thought it was in all women to kill their husbands to collect this.

I deserve that slap and more afterwards.

Slowly I showed her parts of myself I kept far from everyone. I feared my own insecurities, I feared my own disability of emotions. For someone who cannot understand them, and perhaps because of atrophied... I am very emotional. Slowly over time I learned to trust her, love her, then fall madly in love with her. Now ours is one unbroken bind.

But to do it all over again? My heart is not subject to such things. We at one point in our lives included others in our lovemaking, it was only need to fill fantasy not a manner of parting emotional barriers.

So in SL we parted ways yet once again I found myself debilitated in one fashion or another. Some people are utterly charming and respectful, others are complete assholes who are into turning their sexual partners into pets. Stand in the corner and watch a room full of people, who in the end walks away with a woman... the asshole.

I find the social realm of this place utterly fascinating. There's never a dull moment for me even though I'm the one in the sidelines.

Yet for me, I could find no one compatible with my odd form of companionship. It was alright, my social observances were far more entertaining and suitable for someone such as myself. I became councilor, friend.... nevermore than that. And somehow I felt left out of something that could have the potential for happiness. My lady had someone she was involved with, at one point almost partnered with them, to date I do not know what caused them to part. As I said, we respect each others privacy. If she wants to tell me, that's another matter altogether.

Then I met her, one I could not touch. She was deep and philosophical and well versed. Yet I would not touch her... and I should never have traveled down that road.

So I took a leap of faith, I trusted... even beyond this realm. She heard my voice, she knew me beyond this life. We spoke of many things, I helped her disillusioned that she was in need of help. I have a rule, those whom I assist... never touch them. I should have stuck to my personal rule. Perhaps it was part of some ploy to trap people into, to keep them in some sort of invisible leash. Perhaps it was a lie, perhaps it wasn't. But when you give and give and are a support to someone for so long, and they are still struggling... once out of the crash site you realize that these train wrecks are staged, they are no accidents.

At this point why hide the truth... it hurt me, lets hope I return the favor.

She would say we drifted apart, I would say there was another that helped create and deepen that chasm. And to be cast aside for *that* it hurts more than I allow myself to show. We parted and in the weeks following I felt like I had been had, like someone had used me then tossed me aside after they milked me for all I was worth then realized I was not worth much more after the fact.

Worse part is, she wasn't the first.

Again... I had let this happen again. The first one was a girl who could push me no further so she traveled behind my back to get what she needed while shoving me around as some beautiful creature whom she was in the arm of. She clothed me, taught me many things... yet I was nothing more than a prize for her. She would be with the assholes then come to me after her lust was spent sitting down happily listening to stories of the universe. Behind her smile were nothing but lies and deceptions.

Yet I cannot hate her, because deep inside it was my fault truly thus.

What more can I give, what else will someone take of me?

I am not young, but I am not old. It still hurts, there is a person behind the pixelated mask. And the earth moved on while in the far side the moon writhes in pain. What can you do?

You become someone you swore you'd never be. You look in the mirror not recognizing the person staring back at you. I prefer physical pain, I can target its origins and weed out the feeling using only your mind. Mind over body, a wonderful thing... but mind over heart... its far more difficult. A part of you dies or in my case, becomes frozen in ice. Some find the nearest thing and fuck it to high heaven... others recluse themselves into shadow never to see the light again.

And he said, nevermore. And he meant, NEVER MORE.

I'm used to being alone. My partner in life, afterlife and secondlife is autistic, beautifully so. She sees numbers, she must see numbers to survive, her mind must be in constant use. Her hands must be in constant movement and always inventive she is a recluse in the the basement blowing up things and creating the most amazing everything she possibly can. I resign myself to watch her, fascinated that such a being can hold and understand technology as much as she can. Shes a creature of great gift, I am lucky to have her although it feels as though she sees right through me, or doesn't even see me at all. But whatever part of her mind is open to love, I know that belongs to me.

So understand.. I am alone, and I will choose to remain as such.

the end.. perhaps?