I know one thing that someone asked is why I don't allow myself to feel emotions. My body has misfires in the synapses of my frontal cortex. Misfires are aggravated by emotional and physical stress. I push myself far too much for someone in my circumstances, I rarely eat and I rarely sleep. I have been forgetful lately and in that aspect I have forgotten to take some of my important medications, mainly all of them and this includes my seizure meds.

This is oddly humbling to me, get mad have seizure and gods point down to me and say "I TOLD YOU SO!" I haven't prayed either nor had my daily meditations for some time. I guess that's about important to me as my dosage of pills I have to take.

I woke up in the middle of the night and immediately knew something was wrong. There was a great weight on my chest and my heart felt like it was being clutched by someone as lights appeared in my vision. I reached out and smacked Tensai on the side of her arm and that's the only voluntary movement I made for the next 24 hours. Then my muscles just tensed. When you pick something up one muscle releases and the other tenses to pull your arm up allowing movement, in my case both muscles contract as tightly as they can and I simply seize. Those are the worst of it, usually I faint or lose consciousness for either a second or a minute.

Then comes the shaking and I can't stop it. By this time I usually lose consciousness but there are times when I'm awake and those are the most terrifying moments of my life. Tensai is a strong woman in RL she flips me to my side and lays on me to keep my arms from smashing either my own face or hers. For the next 18 hours I'm curled in the fetal position while my muscles relax. This isn't normal for me usually I pass out and my muscles go limp and stay that way until I slowly regain motor skills.

I'm exhausted, the mental and physical strain is too much to handle. I would not wish this on anyone of my enemies. Its hard to think that you do not have complete control of your body, hard to imagine that at any given moment in time your body can go completely against you. I'm a walking time bomb and it scares the shit out of me. Its proof of my imperfection, perhaps a damn good reason why I should take both lives easy. The only regret is making this harder on my wife, but shes still here and that tells me a lot without having to say anything.

So the demon within sleeps again. Good night for now.